Tuesday, May 03, 2011

But We've Got the Biggest Balls of Them All

You know, when I survey the last decade or so of Myrrhkin culture and foreign policy, one thought comes immediately to mind: Not bad, but it needs more testosterone. The cable news court jester agrees with me:

Last night on “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart broke down the deeper implications of Osama bin Laden’s death. Namely: America grew some balls, and we’re back.

“I suppose I should be expressing some ambivalence about the demise of another human being, but no,” Stewart said, before admitting that he was too close to the story of bin Laden and the terrorist attacks of 9/11 to be objective. “Last night was a good night, for me. Not just for people in New York and Washington, but for human people.”

Watch through the end to watch America literally grow a pair.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, do! Balls are funny! And balls = courage! Men have balls! The bigger the better! Real men like to swing their balls around for everyone to see and rub them against things, don't they? Hey, you know who doesn't have balls? Wimps. And women. But I repeat myself. You know what women have? Pussies. Pussies = cowardice! Pussies are the absence of balls! The anti-balls! You don't want to be a pussy, do you, boy? Then show us your balls!

Sorry, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, whoever else we're attacking right now. Sorry 'bout all yr dead d00dz, but you understand, our balls. We lost 'em. We had to avenge 'em. It's what menfolk do! (The ones who aren't big gay pussies, that is.) It's like that whole sordid Osiris/Seth/Horus saga. Dicks being chopped off and thrown into a river to be eaten by fish, retaliatory castrations, what a mess. But we've got our balls back now, so we'll be content to sit around on the couch scratching them.

If we don't see some leaked photos of the Navy SEALs all taking turns draping their hairy beanbags on Osama's forehead right next to the bullet holes, I'm going to be severely disappointed. Maybe Wikileaks can get on that. For now, I'm going to photoshop a pair of bumper nuts to a picture of the Myrrhkin flag and have it airbrushed onto the back of my truck. FUCK YEAH WOOHOO....